Don't get me wrong I love the holidays, but this year it's different. This year when my kids ask me what I want I tell them I want my Grandpa back. It's the only honest thing I can say. Not long ago when Brian and I were tucking Liam in he said "Mom, is Grandpa John dead forever?" I said "yes, Grandpa John is in Heaven forever." Then Liam goes on to say "Grandpa John isn't supposed to be dead yet." and I being the honest person I am said "I know dammit, he's not."
That's how I feel, I feel like he's still in Florida, I'm going to visit him this summer with my family like I always do. He's going to laugh at us when we say we're going to the beach and ask if he's coming with. He's going to be smoking his pipe in his red flannel or yellow polo (depending on the weather) out on his porch every morning I get up. He's going to creep around the house at 6 a.m. trying not to wake anyone up. He's going to take us to the waffle house to eat breakfast and on our last day there he's going to take us to the Crab Trap to eat supper. He's going to keep replacing the towel my kids knock off of his beautiful coffee table and he's going to be there to hug and kiss goodnight every night we're there. He's going to be there in Florida because that's where he's supposed to be. And this Christmas I'll get a card with a long letter in it like always from my favorite and only Grandpa. I'll print off a ton of pictures of my family to mail to him also with a very long letter eagerly talking about visiting over the summer.
That of course is not going to happen, but I feel like it should. I don't feel like it's right. Something isn't right about the holidays this year. I hurt for my mom and my Uncle who lost their Dad, I hurt for all of us who lost a Grandpa, I hurt for the great-grandchildren who lost their Great-Grandpa. I feel selfish and hurt for me.
I have so many fond memories to look back on, but some days they're not fond they just make me sad. I'm thankful I have a pipe of his to smell, I'm thankful I have his favorite red flannel to wear, I'm thankful for all the memories, but I'm still angry that he's not here.
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6 comments:
I am really sorry for you and your whole family. I know this Holiday will not be the same without your Grandpa. It is not easy when you lose a loved one, I am praying for you all.
I'm sorry Jule :( Your love for your grandpa has always been very evident, I can't imagine how hard it must be. Praying for you & your family, Mary
Ms. Julie,
It was so good to hear from you on my new (don't know what I'm doing) blog.
We miss you too & Ms Deb. We think about stopping often...we just might one day.
Praying for you during the Christmas season...may His joy abound!!! And may your Grandpa's memories bring you sweet comfort.
Blessings,
Becky (Jace's Momma)
I know nothing can take the pain away of losing a loved one but if it helps a little to know someone cares, I do. Give the kids a kiss from me. Love you. ~Mary
I'm so sorry.
You are blessed to have had a relationship like that with your grandpa. You will never forget him - my grandpa died 33 years ago and yet he is with me all the time - in my heart and mind.
And to know you will see him again - I can't imagine how people deal with death when they don't have that assurance.
Julie, the holidays are always hard when you have sadness to deal with too.
My Nana died many years ago now and I still think of her often and it always brings tears to my eyes....she never got the chance to know my children or my husband but I know she's still in my heart and that she looks down from heaven at me and is pleased with what she sees. I don't think you ever stop missing those you truly love
{hugs}
susan :):)
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