Mary tagged me...

The rules are to go to your 6th pic folder and upload your 6th pic on to your blog and tell a story about it.

This was in Ft.Walton Beach, Florida, where my Grandpa lived...the best place ever! This is Liam, Aurora, and my niece Autumn. We were on the bay side of the Gulf of Mexico, it's one of THE places I have to visit every day I'm there and where I went all the time as a little girl with my family. It's called Choctawhatchee Bay and it's right across HWY 98. If you want to play in the waves though you drive across the HWY to the Gulf Side, but at the time of this pic Carys was only 1 and she didn't like the big waves. The bay side is quiet, calm, and so clear.

Behind the picture...the kids had a HUGE hole in the white sand filled with hermit crabs and Carys loved it.

Brian was there also, and we did invite my Grandpa to go but he and my mom were running errands, post office, legion, etc.

I'm always really happy when I'm there so this was a good day.

This is a time for celebration?

Don't get me wrong I love the holidays, but this year it's different. This year when my kids ask me what I want I tell them I want my Grandpa back. It's the only honest thing I can say. Not long ago when Brian and I were tucking Liam in he said "Mom, is Grandpa John dead forever?" I said "yes, Grandpa John is in Heaven forever." Then Liam goes on to say "Grandpa John isn't supposed to be dead yet." and I being the honest person I am said "I know dammit, he's not."

That's how I feel, I feel like he's still in Florida, I'm going to visit him this summer with my family like I always do. He's going to laugh at us when we say we're going to the beach and ask if he's coming with. He's going to be smoking his pipe in his red flannel or yellow polo (depending on the weather) out on his porch every morning I get up. He's going to creep around the house at 6 a.m. trying not to wake anyone up. He's going to take us to the waffle house to eat breakfast and on our last day there he's going to take us to the Crab Trap to eat supper. He's going to keep replacing the towel my kids knock off of his beautiful coffee table and he's going to be there to hug and kiss goodnight every night we're there. He's going to be there in Florida because that's where he's supposed to be. And this Christmas I'll get a card with a long letter in it like always from my favorite and only Grandpa. I'll print off a ton of pictures of my family to mail to him also with a very long letter eagerly talking about visiting over the summer.

That of course is not going to happen, but I feel like it should. I don't feel like it's right. Something isn't right about the holidays this year. I hurt for my mom and my Uncle who lost their Dad, I hurt for all of us who lost a Grandpa, I hurt for the great-grandchildren who lost their Great-Grandpa. I feel selfish and hurt for me.

I have so many fond memories to look back on, but some days they're not fond they just make me sad. I'm thankful I have a pipe of his to smell, I'm thankful I have his favorite red flannel to wear, I'm thankful for all the memories, but I'm still angry that he's not here.